I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for years. Until recently I suffered in silence. Opening up and talking about it with a few people has helped. The subject is a source of great shame and embarrassment for me.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I can and should learn to better manage my condition, that being said it has made me much more empathetic, understanding, patient. Being depressed gives me time to be alone with my thoughts and pushes me to develop healthier habits. It gives me the chance to rely on God and be lifted by the strength of those around me.
I need to find the courage to go to counseling. I need to have the faith to believe I can improve and get better.
I find it challenging to feel like I would rather just cease. The thought of a tomorrow can be painful. When i read or hear of a suicide I honestly don't pity them. I am happy their suffering is over. It is incredibly sad, but I understand the fight they are fighting. I feel like I am losing the battle. Like I will only be able to cope and manage for so long on my own.
I have never seriously consider hurting myself. I have longed for the sweat release of nothingness daily. I have hungered for the taste of cold barrel. Once in a difficult moment I considered driving off the road. This was the only instance I ever could have actually pictured it happening. It was a scary realization that this daydream had progressed to a dangerous flirtation.
I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling ashamed. I don't like not feeling. I hate dredging everything. I hate the self pity. I hate being irritable. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling broken. I hate how normal it feels now.
I know this suffering will make or break me. I believe that I learn to manage it better. Limit its harmful impact on my life. I believe that I will be able to be there for others, using what I have experienced to empathize and nurture.
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