Tender Mercied

I am so grateful. I went to the bookstore to buy a book for my Mom and after looking for a long time I finally gave in and asked the girl at the counter to look it up. She informed me the book was not in stock and  that they had some on order.

I was so sad. I wanted to to something nice for my Mom and I knew she would love this book. I thanked her and headed toward the exit. On my way out I was thinking that good intentions only go so far. That some times we are left on our own.

Just in that moment in a section completely out of the way I looked over and saw the book. I have zero doubt that Heavenly Father granted me this simple yet meaningful act of kindness.

Anxiously Afraid....An Exposure of Lacking Faith and a Hard Heart

Why should I give space in my soul to fears and doubts. The Lord is my Keeper. I am in His Hands. I will not doubt His Power or Love. I will accept His promises and will work with zeal to create the life and future He desires.

Relentless A Portrait Of Christ's Love

One of the most wonderful books on Christ I have ever read. The simple clear and vulnerable testimony of a Healer, Brother, Redeemer.

I couldn't make it through a single chapter without tears streaming down my face.

I testify with a faithful heart the He is the Great I AM. Christ the Great Redeemer lives. His love is unending. His love ever reaching. His love is relentless.

Depression, My Mind is Killing Me

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for years. Until recently I suffered in silence. Opening up and talking about it with a few people has helped. The subject is a source of great shame and embarrassment for me.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I can and should learn to better manage my condition, that being said it has made me much more empathetic, understanding, patient. Being depressed gives me time to be alone with my thoughts and pushes me to develop healthier habits. It gives me the chance to rely on God and be lifted by the strength of those around me.

I need to find the courage to go to counseling. I need to have the faith to believe I can improve and get better.

I find it challenging to feel like I would rather just cease. The thought of a tomorrow can be painful. When i read or hear of a suicide I honestly don't pity them. I am happy their suffering is over. It is incredibly sad, but I understand the fight they are fighting. I feel like I am losing the battle. Like I will only be able to cope and manage for so long on my own.

I have never seriously consider hurting myself. I have longed for the sweat release of nothingness daily. I have hungered for the taste of cold barrel. Once in a difficult moment I considered driving off the road. This was the only instance I ever could have actually pictured it happening. It was a scary realization that this daydream had progressed to a dangerous flirtation.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling ashamed. I don't like not feeling. I hate dredging everything. I hate the self pity. I hate being irritable. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling broken. I hate how normal it feels now.

I know this suffering will make or break me. I believe that I learn to manage it better. Limit its harmful impact on my life. I believe that I will be able to be there for others, using what I have experienced to empathize and nurture.

Sunday Question

1 Nephi 3:29 Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Laman and Lemuel were angry, hearts were turned from the Lord, they were sinning in their hearts. This distance caused them to lose sight of their identity and of their relationship and duty to their brother. They couldn't see the ways of the Lord. They couldn't see the eternal truth. They focused on a narrow bias view of the now. Their sins kept them from being rulers (do not my sins keep me enslaved to fear doubt). I currently have a roommate that gets under my skin, even when he is doing nothing wrong or intentionally attempting to annoy. How can I see him how the Father sees him? How can i focus on his positive traits? Here is a List of His Positive Qualities -fun -spontaneous -helpful -generous -good father -great knowledge of the scriptures -friendly -talented -active -tender heart I will try to focus more on these traits, build them up. I will not be fault finding, critical, or abusive with the stinging rod of hurtful words. I need to learn to love easier.

5 Life Regrets

We have all seen these regrets listed before. You only get one take at life. I have been intrigued by these regrets for a while now. As you have seen before I love questions and here are a few questions I am asking myself?

How do we avoid the pull of our consumer driven economy and not fall victim to these 5 Most Common Regrets?

What habits can I form that would limit these regrets?

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Know what I want?! 

Plan out how to get it. 

Be friends with different types of people. 

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

Plan Fun Things Every Week.

Choose a person I like to spend time with

Set goals for the day track progress clear beginning and ending

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Practice open communication

Ask others how they are feeling

Journal

Read Communication

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Send one email a week

One call a week

One trip with the Gang a Year.

-Get in the details of their lives.

Pick 5 Close People

    Tyler Hall

   Justin Bergener

   Ace Sorenson

  Rob Wick

  

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Mediate

Practice Gratitude 

Be Myself

Read More

Create

Be Repentant

Be Holy 

This is a work in progress. I will be working on this. I will do a weekly audit. 

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10IDdOigQWbI1VyUZ9vO-wv3XBBjljzWLsFrLfdYnNMk/edit?usp=sharing

Thoughts from Reading Falling To Heaven Ferrell

Mind Blowing Book

My Summation-
When we mistakenly think we are righteous our misplaced pride causes us to down on others and directly at the Savior. When fall to heaven it is a humble recognition that we are in His Hands and in His Care. Instead of believing we are earning our way to heaven we recognize we are reliant on his Mercy. In the LDS Church I think we tend to favor works over grace even though well intended this over compensation leads to pride, discord, and shame.

Remarkable Quotes

" All are guilty under the law, a guilt that separates us from God. What does it mean to forgive ourselves when we are, in effect, "guilyt of all"? Clearly the power of such forgiveness is not within us; the guilty cannot render themselves innocent. Only the judge-in this case, the great and Eternal Judge- can do that."

Do not look within for healing and forgiveness. Look to the Lord. Same with forgiving others. 

"The deep scars we inflict on one another can be reached only by the One who has healing in his wings"

I thought this was a beautifully written expression of the human experience and condition. There are scars in my soul i believe will never heal but are made light with the healing balm of the Savior.

"We realize that innocence is not in us but in the Lord. With this understanding, we don't feel the need to hide our sins, challenges, or struggles. We similarly have no interest in, or need for, managing others' impressions of us, as our concern is not for ourselves."

Free yourself from the notion you are pure, clean, or near perfection. Live a confessional life. Don't fall into the charade of innocence.

"Sinning in the name of piety"

How often I have excused myself for the right thing in the name of church duty, obligation ect.

"Only One who has ever lived was entirely good, and I would be surprised if there has ever been one who has been entirely bad."

Perfection is not a prerequisite for love. Just as we free ourselves from the facade of perfection we can free others from the expectation of such and allow them their humanity and rightful use of the Atonement.

"...view others only with hope and gratitude? Or do we rather view others with a critical eye, demanding that they be different than they are? If like Oakley, we are filled only with hope, we will be able to feel gratitude for others notwithstanding their faults. If on the other hand we feel entitled, we condemn ourselves to a resented life and will feel embittered toward those whom we have been called to love and cherish."

I struggle with this. I just got back from a quick trip to the "Sev" with my roommates and one of them I have bitter feelings toward. I can hear the sting in my voice, feel the venom in my tone, and the coldness of my heart toward him. It is like everything he does is wrong. For some reason I have a tainted view of him, his motives, and speech. I don't know how to change it without help of the Lord. I need His healing wings to lift me from my prison of hate and disregard. I should focus on his strengths.

"It is so easy, isn't it, to spiritually hyperventilate ourselves to the point that we believe that any one sin puts our eternity at risk. But in our gasping for breath, we are forgetting the Savior. He knew we would fail. He knew we would transgress. His plans contains the solution for this."

Some of our crisis of identity following a sin major or small is the fact that we have "glorified" ourselves as righteous beings and trusted in the arm of the flesh. The reality is we are fallen beings at the mercy of a loving just God. When we recognize our true condition it strips us of pride and will draw us closer to the Savior in times of guilt and remorse rather than wallowing in self pity.

"Any need to love myself or to approve of myself or to think well of myself will finally and fully be melted away by the realization that he loves me despite all I have done and been. My smallness will be swallowed up by his wholeness, my self-concern consumed by his selfless love."

Our desire to be righteous comes when we feel his Love. It is feeling this love that opens us up to see our own nothingness and realize we are prized above the kingdoms of the world. This pure love melts away pride.

"Focus on our own sins and upon others' virtues. Do this, and our teaching, our thinking, our befriending, and our parenting will all be transformed for the better."

What a great way to live life and look at others. I would love to come up with a system to put this into practice. Seems like every time i catch my self critiquing others I can stop acknowledge 5 strengths and not 3 of my weaknesses. I will report how it goes.